Pimping Chelsea Out

Or is it “pimping out Chelsea?” I didn’t get where I am today (Nowheresville, baby) by having a functional command of the English language or anything…

And did some poor substitute TV talking-head really get sacked last week for suggesting the Clinton campaign is ‘pimping’ Chelsea out? Come on! Not only was the poor schmuck a) on MSNBC, he was b) subbing for news non-entity Tucker Carlson, for Christ’s sake! Do you think anyone would have heard about it if the nattering classes hadn’t picked up the ‘story’ and ran with it?

That aside, let’s look at the case on its merits.

First, “pimping out” has, whether you think it’s regrettable or not, become part of the common vernacular. Another valuable contribution to youth culture brought to you by the good folks at MTV, thank you very much Mr. Redstone. (I wouldn’t mind their hastening our cultural collapse as much if they showed more music videos, damn it, but I digress…)

Second, even taking the phrase in its traditional context, it’s still accurate. Pimps run whores. It’s a whore’s job to show up, shut up, and jump through whatever hoops the client demands of her. How is that any different than Chelsea’s job description in Hillary’s campaign?

And I say this as a long-time Bill Clinton supporter (till his recent electioneering on his wife’s behalf, which still makes my nipples harden with shame).

As I’ve said, I feel the argument over whether Hillary is pimping Chelsea out or whoring her out is academic anyhow. With Chelsea actively putting her grad-student ass out there on the campaign trail, how in the name of all things soft, warm and sweet-smelling are they getting away with continuing to withhold access to her from the press? How is that even possible?? She’s up on the goddamned dais every day, grinning emptily, shaking hands and pursuing the elusive youth vote just by showing up. I think it's fucking outrageous the Clintons are still trying (and succeeding, thanks to a compliant, complacent mainstream media) in getting away with having her dodge actually speaking to the press. They're having it both ways, and it's a cheat.

I thought the Clintons billed themselves as Progressives. What’s progressive about positioning your daughter as the traditional child-who-is-better-seen-than-heard? That sounds pretty baseball, apple pie and hot dogs to me.

Get off the fucking fence, Chelsea. Fish or cut bait. Do you support your Mom for president for any reason other than she’s your Mom? Your omnipresence on the campaign trail has made it America’s legitimate right to ask. Now that you’ve accepted a seat at the grownups’ table, you’re not just allowed to talk, it’s expected.

Plus, if you opened your mouth to do more than cheer your mom’s stump speech, it would make you less vulnerable to intimations of your being ‘pimped out’ as a cheap political prop, and the charge of you being pimped out (in the traditional sense) considerably less apropos.