Liveblogging Bush’s LAST State of the Union address

What could be more pointless, I thought, than writing about the most inconsequential political speech that will be made in this year full of inconsequential political speeches?

Nothing, but it’ll help me unwind. To make it even more mind-numbing, I’m watching it on MSNBC with Chris Matthews’ existential enthusiasm on the voice-over as Bush gladhands his way to the lectern. The crowd roars with rote enthusiasm while Elmo babysits my son in the front room.

God bless Elmo.

Bush gets into position and soaks the fake adulation in. Everyone claps. He is still the President, after all. Hi Bush family. Hi Bush twins. Condi. Chris Matthews makes me want to kill myself so I turn to NBC and am rewarded with Tim Russert’s reasonable, soothingly dignified tone narrating events.

The president’s speaking now. “History will record…” bla bla la. More speculating on how history will remember his tenure. Now he’s talking economy. Short sentences. They write short sentences for him. That’s good. Play to his strengths.

Cheney over his shoulder looks like the world’s least-interested vulture. Like if he didn’t have to be here tonight, he could be out accomplishing some real evil.

Half the crowd loves Bush’s exhortation to “make the tax relief permanent.” Veto threat on taxes – check. I dislike him when he smiles as much as I do when he’s being petulant or irritable. Jesus. What kind of people want to have a beer with this guy?

More people are clapping. Never know when the camera may be watching.

Now he’s talking the housing market. Now health care – Cheney looking bored as hell, looking off to his right. Reaction shot of Hillary on the health care line – studied boredom accompanied by golf-clapping. Pales before Cheney’s genuine disinterest.

Wow, hey, Barack and Ted Kennedy sitting right next to each other. Great photo opp! They look pissed, so Bush must have just said something stupid or idealogically unsound. I miss a lot of stuff when I’m typing.

The Man Cub needs milk.

Bush is definitely an improved speaker since his first SOU.

Pelosi also looks bored. Maybe she’s just replaying last week’s Republican debate in her head.

Bush wants to help somebody else, everybody applauds. Oops, not everybody. They always know how to find somebody who’s pissed about whatever Bush is talking about.

Now he’s pimping nuclear power. Christ on a sidecar, people applaud. He refers to it as a “clean energy source.” Now he’s attaching strings to the promises he just made – for one, everybody else, assumably the world, has to agree first. WTF?

His vacuousness makes me sad. How have we produced such a man, let alone slipped him the reigns of supreme power? I’m afraid he’s the perfect icon of the age we’re in. What does Colbert call it? “Truthiness.” He wears the clothes and says the words, but there’s a sylvan quality to him. He’s elusive. There’s no there there. He’s virtually virtual.

So was Dean Martin, but he was just a singer of torch songs. I’m reading a cool biography of Martin, “Dino,” that paints an excellent picture of Dino’s life and times, but at the center of the narrative is a hole where Dean martin’s knowability would be if he had had any. It just seems he was either too deep or too empty for anyone to ‘read.’ But where the jury’s out on Martin’s psychology, I don’t think many people mistake Bush for being too deep.

Hi Condi. Nice white suit. Chris Matthews was screaming earlier about how a Republican candidate would do well to have you on his ticket, no matter who the Dems put forth. I agree with the loud, red-faced man on MSNBC.

“Evil men who despise freedom…” oh, here comes the 9/11 dick-swinging. “We will deliver justice to our enemies!” More brilliance.

Hi Laura. Clap, clap, clap. Freedom is good. Talking Afghanistan War Blues, the Bush fantasy version where everything is coming up roses, not IEDs.

Now the Iraq spiel. Well, we’re almost 40 minutes in. Elmo will need changing in a few minutes. Bush is touting his ‘surge,’ and about what heroes the Iraqi people think we are now. “Daily life is improving.” Riiiiight. Not from the Saddam era, mind you, but from the godawful mess we’ve made of it since we first fucked it all up for them.

Ooh, big applause. I wonder what I missed. Shit.

Now Elmo needs changing – the DVD, I mean. It occurs to me the boy didn’t eat any of the dinner I prepared for him earlier tonight, so I slip him some chips and goop and race back here to hope this guy wraps it up pretty soon. Gawd, he’s still going on about Iraq. Yeah, it does still suck over there, you jerk. We’ve been telling you that for years.

Some troops are coming home to stay. Everyone claps. Shit, I’d clap too if I believed a word of it.

More chest-thumping. I missed the words, but the bellicose bleating was familiar and half the room jumped to their feet to clap.

Well, he’s still going on about Iraq, ten minutes later. What a shithead. Between W’s eight years and the relentless attacks on the Clintons throughout the 90s, the Republicans have squandered two administrations in a row, for 15+ years now.

When the fuck are we, the people, going to wise up?

Oh, now I see why he went to the middle east finally last week – so he could brag about the trip in his last SOU. Well-played, sir! Huzzah!

Now the saber-rattling at Iran. I wish a hole in the earth would just open up and suck him away, or me. It’s that bad. To hear him go on, you’d think his dick stretched down to the floor and encircled the proscenium of the Senate.

Thank the military, big applause-getter.

Oh shit, Nancy Pelosi is reading something behind him while he speaks! She’ll probably say it was a copy of his speech, but it looks bad. Oops. Bush’s half of the hall is standing again. Missed something else.

Oops – The Man Cub’s hands apparently require cleaning. I’m about to miss some more empty blather…

Man, it seems like this has been going on forever. He’s talking American history now, he must be about to wrap it up. Ooh, soaring rhetoric – yep, that’s it. God bless America. Thank you, good night!