Life in Hell*

*with apologies to Matt Groening

Things have been wacky here. Zany, even.

Last week The Man Cub contracted hand, foot, and mouth disease from the fetid, horrific Petri dish that is daycare. I thought only cattle could get that, but maybe I was thinking of brucellosis…

From the CDC website:
Hand, foot, and mouth disease (HFMD) is a common illness of infants and children. It is characterized by fever, sores in the mouth, and a rash with blisters. HFMD begins with a mild fever, poor appetite, malaise ("feeling sick"), and frequently a sore throat. One or 2 days after the fever begins, painful sores develop in the mouth. They begin as small red spots that blister and then often become ulcers. They are usually located on the tongue, gums, and inside of the cheeks. The skin rash develops over 1 to 2 days with flat or raised red spots, some with blisters. The rash does not itch, and it is usually located on the palms of the hands and soles of the feet. It may also appear on the buttocks. A person with HFMD may have only the rash or the mouth ulcers.

What they don’t mention is that the fever keeps the afflicted from sleeping for more than a couple hours at a time before waking up miserable and screamy, and that the son of a bitch virus lasts 7-10 days. The boy’s going back to daycare tomorrow after having been home, delirious, unhappy and neeeeedy since last Thursday.

On the plus side, The Missus was able to work from home Friday and Monday, or I’d be out pounding the pavement for a new job by now. Or maybe just pounding the pavement to see which hand breaks first.

On the down side, a sleep-deprived week+ with no private time, not even in the middle of the night, does not exactly bring out the best in me.

Work has been equally awesome. We’ve hired a new salesperson who doesn’t know how she checks her email. My I.T. guy is flaking on me, so I’m transitioning to a major program upgrade - and my tricked-out, fancy new computer with the giant monitor - after the holidays without his input, hitherto considered indispensable. Etcetera.

* * *

Of course, I wake up at midnight for my “me” time, and everybody’s up; The Missus is taking photos of the boy almost-sleeping on the couch in the front room. She’s on a caffeine high, and he’s on the mend from his latest round of Daycare Disease that has left him with an awful, wet, wracking cough now that is — wait for it — keeping him from sleeping. ...sigh

And so it goes.

My experience in parenting makes me question how anybody survives toddlerhood. Every week seems to bring an exciting new health-related emergency. I’m thinking it’s more of a daycare situation than a toddlerhood one...

All this in preparation for the dreaded annual holiday trek to the family Christmas extravaganza at the church of of Our Lady of Immaculate Cleanliness, and four more days of no private moments and consecutive sleepless nights.

Do me a favor - in case I go on a killing spree, don’t let the media make a folk hero out of me, okay? It won’t be about being famous; it’ll be about the killing.

Thanks
F. Bastardson, family man and disturbed loner