Movie Review In Brief: Fantastic Four, Rise of My Gorge

If you like your comic book movies to suck major ass but be safe enough to bring a gaggle of middle-schoolers to, you’re going to love “Fantastic Four: Rise of the Surfer.”

If, however, you find yourself wishing they had made a film that grown-ups could appreciate on its own merits, you’re in for a big disappointment.

This film actually took the first film, which was bad, and built on everything it got wrong, making this one a true craptacle. I had a bad feeling ahead of time when I saw it clocked in at a brisk hour twenty-nine. They’re telling one of the super-group’s most epic stories and they’re doing it quickly enough to squeeze in that extra screening per day, per theater, on the all-important opening weekend? Uh oh. This film was edited for speed.

Then they spend the whole first, say, 30 minutes beating into the ground the fact the FF have become media celebrities and woe betide them for that. They even make Johnny Storm, one of the only enjoyable performances in the first film, sad-eyed and mopey for most of this flick.

The only credit I give them is they were pretty true to the Silver Surfer. But that only made the crapfest they built around him that much more frustrating. I’m suppose I’m okay with the liberties taken with Galactus (renowned Devourer of Worlds), but more able filmmakers would have been able to get it right, purple armor and winged war helmet and all.

The story is forced and so is the “comedy” in the first half. Some of the effects work is cool, but again, it’s in the service of crap. Of nothing. Of less than a piffle.

In the end, even the half-a-roomful of middle-schoolers I saw it with only gave it tepid applause. I couldn’t get out of there quick enough – thank god it was edited for speed.

I’m waiting for “Transformers” to save the second half of the summer. The trailer is crazy! And the new “Die Hard” also looks like a must-see. They blow up everything in that one. God I hope it’s rated R.

“Yippie-kiyo-kayay, motherfucker!”

—John McClane, Die Hard