The day the circus (finally) left town

First, a caveat: I’m reviewing last night’s final televised Republican debate from an entertainment perspective. Like an ancient Roman sports reporter who is reviewing a gladiatorial match and knows in advance that most of the participants will die, but understands that’s just the job description. So, assume I either don’t care or don’t trust or don’t understand the content of the debate, I’m just here to talk about the show-bidness aspects.

That said, Oh what a circus! Oh what a show!

Uncle Newtie really got things off to a wild start by turning the opening question about his new revelations about his sordid personal life—based on the latest political news that only broke a few hours earlier—back on the Media and served up the moderator to the, eh, typically enthusiastic GOP crowd.

On the one hand, starting the debate with that question could be reasonably considered a cheap shot in the cold hard light of day. But politics is a blood-sport, and nobody on that stage last night understood that better than Gingrich. The fact that his audience lapped up his stunningly false piety tells you more about the South Carolina Republican faithful than it does about the candidate.

Speaking of the crowd, they were better behaved than most of the previous debates’ crowds, but maybe that’s only because since Herman Cain dropped out, these distinguished South Carolinians didn’t have to look at a Black man on stage for two hours. Why, I declare, that would lift any decent gentleman’s spirits…

On the other hand, it’s the media’s job to stir up shit, for the audience-at-home to observe and evaluate how the politicos handle it. And the way Newt handled it spoke volumes. In a Newt administration, questions by the press will not only be ignored, but the questioners themselves will be attacked instead.

Can you say “Nixon’s Enemy List?”

The Nixon comparisons don’t stop there, either. Both famously petulant, with persecution complexes mixed with delusions of grandeur (to which Gingrich cheerfully admitted last night, even though the first definition of grandiose, according to Webster, is “characterized by affectation of grandeur or splendor or by absurd exaggeration”), a slicker-than-average deftness with disingenuity and obfuscation; Newt Gingrich is definitely the Richard Nixon of the 21st Century.

Credit to Newt though, he nailed that opening question’s answer—killed it—all the way down to the timing. Does he want to answer this goddamned question about the most recent dirt to come to light about his malodorous personal ethics? “No. [pregnant pause while crowd goes nuts, then] But I will.” And the crowd went even more nuts. That line will not be better-executed by any professional thespian in any of the TV-movies they will make about this primary season.

Plus it followed the current Republican playbook to the letter (something else of which the crowd wholly approved). Tough question? Throw the Media-Elite questioner on the barbie. It’s always a sure-fire way to divert attention from awkward, pesky facts at right-wing events.

Most of the night, former front-runner Mitt Romney looked like he’d just eaten bad cheese, as well he should have. Gingrich wiped the floor with him. He demonstrated that he can not only talk policy circles around Romney, but he’s smart enough to effortlessly BS his way through most tight rhetorical spots; see his feeding of John King to the GOP faithful last night, for example.

Gingrich is definitely the guy the GOP (and TV viewers) ought to want debating Cool Customer Obama later this year. When he doesn’t wander off-topic and start self-aggrandizing, he’s the second most solid debater in the group (more on Ron Paul soon—I like to save the best for the last).

The biggest gaffe of the night? Romney’s. When he again revealed that his money is his Achilles Heel. He’s trying to woo voters—90+% of whom won’t make in a lifetime what he brings home in investment returns last year alone—in a dismal economy, and every time his money comes up, he flounders like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. And only when his money comes up. That frozen, pained, rictus-like ‘smile’ on his face vanishes, his eyes goggle out and he begins to stammer. When prodded again yesterday about releasing his income tax returns, he was caught flat-footed by the moderator’s suggestion that he follow his father’s lead and release his last 12 years worth of records. Romney freaked! I’m sure PBS has added it to the montage they already have of Mitt stumbling over his wallet while on the stump. And as flubs go, what a fitting finale it was. It was Mitt Romney’s Rick Perry moment, and it couldn’t have come at a worse time for his presidential aspirations.

Plus Gingrich played Romney like a Stradivarius all night, releasing his tax returns an hour into the debate, allowing him to claim the moral high ground while on TV, but before any of the actual details of said returns could come to light.

Rick Santorum, handicapped by lack of a sweater vest (debate rule?) and real-world command of the issues… Okay, full disclosure, I hate this guy. Mostly for political differences, but he seems like the kind of guy who would raise his hand and tell teacher if he saw somebody passing a note in class; the kind of guy if I saw him getting beat up on the schoolyard, I wouldn’t call for the safety monitor. He just rubs me the wrong way.

That said, he put in a great performance last night. I don’t give a shit what he was saying, but his delivery was beautiful. Unfortunately for Santorum, debating before a bipartisan crowd of non Bible-thumping independent, critical-thinking voters, Obama would eat him alive, a fact which Fox News makes sure to remind their viewers of every day (in the nicest possible way, of course).

And seriously, can it possibly be a coincidence that the most preening, sanctimonious asshole of the bunch is named Santorum? I’m thinking his name might hold some meaning in addition to the popular Google definition.

Finally, Ron Paul. The last honest man. The only man on the stage to take the “self” out of self-righteous. One thing the crowd got right last night was raising a ruckus when CNN tried to move on to another question before giving Paul a chance to respond to the current question—about medical coverage! As Paul was finally allowed to point out, as the only retired sawbones among them, perhaps he had some opinions on health care, too.

Then in the time allocated to him, he made the same whacko arguments he’s been making for his entire term as a Congressman, and doing it eloquently, forcefully and (mistake!) without speaking down to the audience.

Bless his heart, Ron Paul is both the craziest and most consistent guy in the bunch. The Boy was watching with me in my office for a while, and when Paul was allowed to speak, I said, “See that man? I don’t agree with what he says, but he’s honest, tells the truth as he believes it and his commitment never wavers.” Without missing a beat, the kid goes, “He’ll never be President.” “Nope,” I agreed.

And there you have it. The debate circus has finally pulled out of town and it seems the GOP are down to two choices: Romney and Gingrich. The Big Money Guys are backing Romney all the way, but this election cycle, for once it may not be the Big Money Guys who end up calling the shots.

Ironically, thanks to the gullibility of the majority of the Republican base, the GOP stands a chance of actually getting—as I like to believe the Founders intended—a major-party presidential nominee that will have been put into place by the people, not Citizens United and K Street power-brokers.

That may not be good for the Dems come November, but as an exercise in democracy, it would be invaluable for the country.

And additionally... Oh, what a show that would be!