Tom Waits no longer

Tom Waits is heading to Cleveland!

Rectifying a long-standing, egregious oversight, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame today announced venerable singer/songwriter and idol o’ millions Tom Waits will be inducted into their august body in next year’s class of officially sanctioned rock royalty.

Joining him to be feted are Alice Cooper and Neil Diamond as well as Dr. John and Darlene love. It’s like “Orphan, Brawlers and Boozers” year at the RRHOF. Dr. John? Really? Before KISS? Before Warren Zevon? Before Rush, for God’s sake??

Dr. John at all? Whoever it was behind the scenes who pushed Dr. John into a top slot this year deserves his or her own award as Fan Number One.

But I’ll give it up for Darlene Love. She sounds like she was one of those Motown-era babes, and those gals could sing the shingles off a rooftop. Why isn’t there an R&B Hall of Fame, or is there one and I just haven’t heard about it?

Alice Cooper? His best songs are a couple mid-tempo, Bon Jovi-ish ballads and his stage show, the time I saw him, involved men running around dressed as nuns and flashing the audience. Besides Marylin Manson and his fellow emo-tools from the shock-rock scene, who has he influenced? Which songs of his are part of the American Canon, deserving of enshrining in the hallowed halls of rock? His biggest hit, “I’m Eighteen,” could indeed have been written by 18-year-old. And not an 18-year-old Mozart, an 18-year-old killing some time in lock-up, waiting to be bailed out for stealing change from parked cars.

But I did see Alice in concert once and enjoyed it thoroughly. Plus, of this year’s inductees, he’s the only actual Rock-And-Roller. So come on in, Mr. Cooper, with my blessings. That nun shit really did freak me out as a kid, though...

Neil Diamond. Neil fucking damned Diamond in the Rock Hall of Fame? It’s about time!

Although way more Tin Pan Alley than rock, Diamond has a back catalog that will live forever, that defines a perspective on America that reflected the times he lived in. He helped shape pop and as he did that, he didn’t only reflect the times he lived in, he helped shape them, too. My YouTube clip of him on the Johnny Cash Show, above, will have over 200,000 hits by the end of the day. The blue-hairs still love him and find the 25-year-old version of him sexy as hell.

Although he may not ever have personally rocked particularly hard, he did influence a generation of kids who did. I remember seeing “Live At The Greek” on TV some time in the 70s and being blown away. It may not have been rock per se, but it took me to the same place as a really good rock show did. Show Mr. Diamond to his seat.

Oh, and what can one say about Tom Waits. I’m so happy he’s finally getting some recognition, I’m not even that pissed about Rush being bypassed again this year. I won’t even mention it again!

My beloved Tom is not even an acquired taste. You either like him or you don’t. You REALLY don’t. Most people I know who are not musicians (and a couple who are) or music critics do not care for Tom Waits’ singing voice, which sounds like a burlap bag of geriatric cats being dragged over discarded percussion instruments—admittedly. But that’s exactly what I like about him.

And as a songwriter, he is without equal. Whether barrel-house blues or heart-tugging piano ballads—usually about losers whom the world has turned its back on—the listener believes every word he can make out without having to refer to the lyric sheet. Like Johnny Cash or Leonard Cohen or Nick Cave, Waits is extremely there, in the moment, as a performer; both on record as well as in his rare, eccentric live appearances. (Tom Waits is probably the only guy in the Hall of Fame who has opened for the Dalai Lama!)

So props to the HOF this year for getting a big one right. You know what I’d really like to hear at the ceremony? Diamond and Waits each singing one of the other’s songs. Maybe Diamond doing “Come On Up To The House” and Waits doing “Glory Road?”

Sheer rock and roll bliss!