I hate our dog

Tomorrow it will have been a year since we brought him home. And every goddamned misbehavior that he demonstrated then is still being practiced today. Always stealing food, digging around in the garbage and the gardens and biting people whenever he has the chance.

Less with the biting people and that’s only because it’s not something he can do behind our back. We still have to cage him up any time someone comes over, and over the course of a few hours The Missus will let him out and I pray that this won’t be the time he bites someone litigious. Or is a bleeder.

Everything else, he’s just a sneaky fucker. He’s good as gold all day when he and I are here alone. Completely well-behaved. Every day, all day. But as soon as anybody else is introduced into the mix, he just goes off the fucking rails. And that tells me that he’s calculating, not stupid. If he was as stupid as he appears to be, he wouldn’t have enough sense to be good when we’re alone. No, he’s deliberately waiting for his opportunities to be bad.

Every time the boy is eating and gets up and walks away from his food, even for just a second, BOOM, the dog is there and the food is gone. Natural canine behavior yes, but A) we’ve been working with him on it for a year now and B) he’d never pull that shit if I was sitting there in the room with him.

Just a couple nights ago, I went to bed, closed the bedroom door. As I was about to hit the sheets I remembered something I needed to do on my computer before I could call it a night. Opened the bedroom door to traverse the short hallway to my office and this malicious fuck comes barreling out of my sanctum sanctorum, head and tail low like a greyhound chasing a wooden bunny. It’s been 20 seconds max since I shut the bedroom door and he’s already defiled my office garbage, leaving chewed-up Kleenex all over the floor.

That’s why I hate him. Not because he’s incorrigible, not because he’s a big goofy idiot who just can’t help himself, but because I’m harboring a deliberate, scheming bastard in my own house whose evil machinations are all focused directly on upsetting my carefully-established order.

He might as well be the devil himself.