I Love “Life” (the new TV show, not mine per se)

Attention shut-ins and people without lives: The new network TV season is here, that magical time of year when a thousand awful new shows are launched. I usually like to sample around the first few weeks; every once in a while, you get rewarded for it. I watched “Lost” since the first episode, for example. Caught every episode of Michael Madsen’s “Vengeance Unlimited” till those craven creeps over at ABC cancelled it. More often than not, most seasons I’m rewarded with a crapfest of shows that can quickly be dismissed. And this season is mostly crapfest, or average shows that don’t suck but also don’t merit 30 or 60 minutes of my life every week.

Since I’m writing this to kill time while I wait for work-related materials to make their way to me, I’ll grab my copy of TV Guide and cover the new offerings on a night-by-night basis. The only real ground rule I have for sampling new shows is no reality shows. My life is already passing me by, I don’t need to waste more of it watching other peoples’ pass them by too. Also, I tend to avoid sitcoms because I can’t deal with laughtracks. It’s surprising to me how many shows I liked as a kid that I can’t bear to watch now for the canned laughter.

These are only the shows that I’ve sampled and/or have an opinion about. There’s plenty of crap out there I’m not even giving the benefit of a first glance. I don’t think anyone I know watches TV anyhow. Fuck it.

SUNDAY:
Well, Sunday night TV-viewing lost all meaning when “Big Love” went on another extended hiatus recently. “The Simpsons” and “King of the Hill” are back, which is cool, especially in the case of “King...” It’s one of the best-written, most keenly-observed comedy-dramas out there. It pokes fun at its characters’ buffoonery without making buffoons of them. That’s writin’. As opposed to, say, “Family Man” and “American Dad” which follow on Fox. Man, did I give those shows the benefit of the doubt for a long time. I wanted to like them real bad, but no go. They’re like cartoon versions of the old Vaudeville comedians who used to bounce out on stage and tell 30 rambling, unconnected jokes in ten minutes then get off the stage for the fan dancer, who everybody had come to see anyhow. That ain’t writin’, that’s attention-deficit-disorder.

I just discovered “Curb Your Enthusiasm” over on HBO which we can’t afford and shouldn’t be splurging on between seasons of “Big Love” and “The Wire,” but I digress. “Curb…” is like Seinfeld As Grownups. If Jerry and the Gang had grown up, moved to LA and gotten wealthy in the entertainment biz, it would be this show. I haven’t seen this kind of squirm-inducing comedy as skillfully executed since “Arrested Development” went off the air. Good stuff. And now I have a bunch of back seasons to plumb!

I feel like I should give “Shark” another try (can’t believe it was picked up for a second season), just because of how much I love James Woods, but in its freshman year, the first two episodes were awful, so I bailed. Overwritten, over-acted, over-everything. It was just BAD.

Finally, “Dexter” is back for season two. I recently ran through season one on DVD and was surprised at how much I enjoyed it. The first episode almost sunk it for me, it was so gory. It was gross, and if the subsequent episodes had proved to be equally repellent, I woulda bailed on it right quick. I’m glad I didn’t. The gay brother from “Six Feet Under” plays a medical examiner by day, serial killer by night. And of course he only kills his fellow serial killers. Whatever. I’ll bet it was still a hard premise to sell. Anyhow, the first season is a pretty cool rental, where they kind of introduce you to Dexter and his world, his backstory. Season two, based on the first episode, seems to be setting in motion about a dozen subplots, all of which place the eponymous hero in active jeopardy. It looks like it’s gonna be a pretty great season, but I only saw the second season premiere because Showtime gave away a free weekend last weekend. Showtime we don’t splurge for.

MONDAY:
First, a returning show, “Prison Break.” I saw season one on DVD and thought, well, good show but now they’re out of prison, the titular break has come and gone, so I did the same. I bailed on season two till I caught up with it recently on DVD, and was surprised at how much improved it was from season one. For instance, I kept thinking how much better it was than last season’s “24,” which we steadfastly allocated valuable TV time to for 24 tedious weeks. “Prison Break” is totally the kind of show that works best in 2-3 episode blasts, and you just can’t do that till it comes out on DVD. In spite of which, it’s one of the few shows to make the new To-View To-Do List. Caveat: I would be remiss if I were to fail to mention that the star of “Prison Break,” one Wentworth Miller, can’t act. His range runs from the gamut from glower all the way to grimace. I suppose he’s a handsome bloke, but he’s such a leaden presence I can’t see how it could matter. Fortunately, he’s part of a big enough ensemble that he’s rarely counted on to carry scenes by himself. He’s more a reactor than actor. I can imagine his creative process goes something like this: “Uh, let’s see… glower or grimace? Shit, which did I do last time?... Uh oh, that old guy’s yelling ‘cut’ again…”

NBC starts their night with “Chuck,” a slight action/comedy with a likeable lead about a computer geek who accidentallly downloads every national security secret into his brain, making him a person of very great interest to agents of both the NSA and the CIA. Liked the show okay, but I’ll probably pass. Might tape it and watch it while I work. NBC ends the night with “Journeyman,” which seems to be making a hash out of what could have been a cool time-travel conceit. The lead (who I liked just fine in HBO’s “Rome”) is miscast and the writing is lazy. Pass.

This brings us to “Heroes.” This is a show that I should like a lot more than I do. It’s all about superheroes, and so am I. A+ production values, some engaging performances, but where this show suffers is the writing. The plotting is cool; the overall storyline is great. But the episode writing is like General Hospital with super-powers. Everything is exposition and spelled out and repeated then there’s an action beat, then back to re-repeating rehashed exposition. Fuck! Here’s an example. In this week’s show, they’re following two new characters, a male and female Hispanic trying to get into America on the sneak. At one point, they meet character #3, who says, [paraphrased here] “Oh, I haven’t seen you in forever! The last time I saw you you were being born, first you so-and-so, then a moment later, you, the-other-new-character!” I thought, oh hey, they’re twins. Well, that’s cool they didn’t spell it out in neon letters ten feet tall. A few scenes later, these characters are back, and another character greets them with this line: “Twins!” See what I mean? The writing is dumbed down to the lowest common denominator, and it seems to be working in the ratings. Nor is it keeping me from watching, but it is keeping me consistently disappointed between the action scenes.

The Missus likes “Weeds,” but we don’t have Showtime any more.

TUESDAY:
Haven’t seen “Cavemen,” can’t help you there. We’ll see if it survives. I just don’t like the idea on principle. If we start turning TV commercials into TV shows, the mind boggles at what we could be in for. God I hope “Cavemen” bites it.

Been watching “Damages” over on FX. Don’t really care for Glenn Close’s performance in it, but Ted Danson’s turn as a Ken Lay-type corporate malefactor is a revelation. It came on when nothing else was on this summer, and it got me hooked.

The only new Tuesday show I’ve sampled is “Reaper” on the CW, starring another likeable young actor whose computer-geek protagonist is suddenly thrust into the life of an action adventure hero through unlikely circumstances. It also had a very zippy pilot directed by “Clerks’” Kevin Smith, and an ongoing star turn by Ray Wise of “Twin Peaks” and “West Side Story.” This one’s on the bubble for me. It’s another one I’ll probably tape and “watch” while I work.

“Boston Legal” is back, and despite its storylines and shenanigans by now being predictable as hell, is held together by star performances from the likes of Bill Shatner, Candy Bergin, James Spader and now John Laroquette. Episodes also usually include at last one left-wing rant closing-argument that wins an impossible court case essentially by jury nullification. I’ve also stuck around for the episode-ending scenes where Shatner’s character and Spader’s sit together on a balcony, smoking cigars and being friends. “Boston Legal” is, at its heart, a love story between Shatner’s character and Spader’s, and that’s not predictable.

We also usually watch “House,” not for the Medical Drama of it – every week, they school us on some new medical horror with which we had previously been blissfully unfamiliar; BFD – but for the lead performance. That British dude playing House is pretty good at being an American asshole! Also easy to watch while I work, since it’s mostly dialogue.

WEDNESDAY:
This fucking post is getting way too long. I feel brevity coming on…

“South Park” is back with new episodes. ’Nuff said.

NBC’s new “Bionic Woman” reboot seems to want to be “Alias” with super-powers. Thanks to last year’s runaway success of “Heroes,” (see diss, above) almost every new action/adventure show this season features someone/some people with a super power or two. No show will benefit as much from this trend as Thursday night’s “Smallville,” but I’m getting ahead of myself in my eagerness to wrap this up.

“Bionic Woman” works the reluctant-hero working for a shadowy black-ops organization theme competently, and gets points for casting; anything with Miguel Ferrer (“Twin Peaks,” “Robocop”) in it gets a closer look from me. And the members of the “Battlestar Galactica” rep company appearing herein (most notably the kick-ass blond chick who plays Starbuck on BSG and the ‘first’ bionic woman here) are welcome familiar faces inbetween seasons of the sci-fi soap opera. On the other hand, I don’t know why they’d give gay-bashing thespian Isaiah Washington a new TV home. There’s got to be a lot of actors in Hollywood who haven’t shoved their foot in their mouths as often as this guy has lately. Ultimately, I’ll bail on this one and probably catch it on DVD if it goes the distance. Right now, it’s just one more middling action/adventure show. With super-powers.

“Pushing Daisies” on ABC had a very well-crafted pilot from the creator of “Wonderfalls,” but I bet Barry Sonnenfeld (the “Addams Family” movies, “Men In Black,” “Get Shorty”) isn’t going to be shooting every episode after the pilot. Another show about a guy with a (yawn) super-power, this one involving raising the dead for 60 seconds each, has an appealing cast and a flexible premise, but again, doesn’t look like it’s going to become appointment (or even TiVo) television. Too much “Wonderfalls” whimsy and not enough “Men In Black” pizzazz.

This brings us, at loooong last, to the season’s best new show, “Life” on NBC. Starring Damian Lewis of HBO’s magnificent mini “Band of Brothers” as a hero cop unjustly imprisoned for 12 years before being cleared by DNA evidence, this show gets along on insightful writing and the lead performance of Mr. Lewis. Like “Monk” and “House,” plot is not the point here. In both episodes I’ve screened so far, I’ve figured out “Who Done It” by the first commercial break. Like “Monk” and “House,” this series stands tall on the shoulders of the nuanced, charismatic performance of its lead actor. Of all the new shows I’ve sampled this season, “Life” is the one I’ll go out of my way to watch every week. And as far as plot goes, it looks like it’s taking a page from the successful serialized dramas of the past few years (“Lost,” “Heroes,” “Prison Break” etc.) in presenting fully self-contained individual episodes while working a season-long storyline where Mr. Lewis’ character pursues the frame-up that sent him to jail in the first place. Now if only Mr. Monk could nail the bastards who took his beloved Trudy from him…

Thank god that brings us to Thursdays, the last night of the week the nets are making an effort to draw in new viewers.

THURSDAY:
“Law & Order, Criminal Intent” has been relegated to NBC’s basic cable red-headed stepchild USA Network for its first-run episodes this season, which is half a crying shame. Another show anchored by an amazing star turn, this time by Vincent D’Onofrio (also from “Men In Black,” as well as “Full Metal Jacket”), the show now alternates weeks with episodes led by Chris Noth as some other detective. I wish I could figure out how to TiVo just the Vinnie D’Onofrio episodes, but it looks like I’m going to have to try to remember to videotape this one old-school every other week. Mr. D’Onofrio is just that good. The episodes without him could be any cop show ever.

“Mad Men” on AMC is drawing raves from every corner, but I just can’t watch AMC since they went commercial-supported. It’s a principled stand, which like most principled stands, means I’m cutting off my nose to spite my face. Just the same, I’ll wait for the DVD to catch up on the alleged wonderfulness sans commercial interruptions.

Several former favorites are back (“My Name Is Earl,” “Without a Trace,” “30 Rock”) but constraints on my free time being what they are, I’m gonna have to wait to catch them in repeats in my dotage.

The most promising returning Thursday night show is CW’s “Smallville,” which for the past couple seasons has been hit-or-miss for me. Whenever Lana Lang appears on screen, I am overcome with the overwhelming urge to go to sleep. It was best in its early seasons when the focus was on the relationship of future arch-nemeses Clark Kent and Lex Luthor. Like “Boston Legal,” it was kind of a love story between two men; a star-crossed (literally) love story every comic book fanboy knows is destined for failure. Those days are gone, alas, as Lex begins to explore his dark side and Clark his extraterrestrial heritage. The show was also hamstrung by a “no flights, no tights” rule in its early years, which thanks to “Heroes,” appears to have been abandoned this season. Maybe this is the year Clark stops being such a doe-eyed pussy and starts bringing on the super. Already, we’ve been introduced to his mega-hot Kryptonian cousin Kara (above, left) played by some chick apparently pre-fabbed by the same genetics-engineering organization that supplied the late WB network with all its ersatz teen leads, who is definitely into both flights and tights. I think the show is finally ready to take Clark Kent from super-boy to Superman, and it’s about damn time.

And since the nets have totally given up on Saturday nights (apparently even shut-ins and people without lives have better things to do than watch TV on Saturday nights – video bingo, anyone?), that brings us to Friday:

FRIDAY:
This one is easy: Bill Maher on HBO. I don’t know how much extra we pay for HBO every month, but until the new season of “The Wire” debuts in January, Bill Maher is the only reason why we do. Great writing, great guests, and every show Maher skewers the same bullshit that has been pissing me off about politics that week. It often seems like he’s read my blog beforehand, then rewritten it better and put it on TV.

Otherwise, Friday night is a dumping ground for family-oriented swill and bottom-feeding franchises like “Las Vegas” and “Ghost Whisperer.” I may have to Netflix “Friday Night Lights”’ first season, just to see what I’m missing, but for now, there’s nothing but Bill Maher to recommend watching on Friday nights.

And that, happily, brings us to the end of the least significant, most casually researched post (note the complete lack of links, or even in most cases, the names of the talent involved) it’s ever been my unpleasant duty to pinch out. Maybe next season, I’ll only review it if there’s more than one new show worthy of my ever-shortening attention-span.

Bottom line: Make sure to check out “Life” on NBC on Wednesdays before the Suits and the numbers-crunchers have their say and kill it in its crib.