Worlds Most Easily Conflicted Dad
I think I may not be a real hippie dippie liberal after all.
My competitive nature – long dormant – has been flogged recently by, of all things, a “World’s Greatest Dad” t-shirt from The Missus in anticipation of Father’s Day this weekend.
(I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right: Only I could overthink a simple gift t-shirt into an existential crisis. But during times of relatively smooth sailing, you have to make your own problems.)
See, here’s the thing…
I feel like if I wear this shirt out, I have to be ready to defend it. Like I wouldn’t wear a t-shirt with the name of a really shitty band, for instance. I have to be able to defend it. “Well sir, you may have your opinion, but mine is that Rush does not suck.”
If I wear a shirt out that asserts that I’m the “WORLDS GREATEST DAD, MOTHERFUCKER!” I feel like I’m throwing down a challenge.
I feel like other guys are gonna be looking at me, thinking “Look at him – he’s out in his pajamas in the middle of the day. I’m wearing Dockers, for Christsake…” or “Man, look at that shitty little sedan he drives. My kids are safer in my brand-new top-of-the-line SUV; how can he even think he’s in the top ten of worlds greatest dads?”
I’m defensive already. I feel like if anyone looks at my shirt the wrong way… shit’s on, man. Let’s go.
And I can’t be the only lunkhead to think this way, can I?
I foresee a landscape littered with big piles of guys fighting breaking out all over the place this weekend. Beating ourselves black and blue over our relative position in the hierarchical order of worlds greatest dads, like Wal-Mart shoppers on the first day of after-Christmas sales…
Admittedly, that’s a worst-case scenario.
If she had bought me a shirt that said “Tries Hard” or “Parts His Hair in The Middle” I could have worn those without reservation. But Worlds Greatest Dad, man, that’s a lot to put on someone. I better stop phoning this shit in and get my head in the game. I’ve got my work cut out for me.
There’s a lot of people out there to be much better than.
posted by Fang Bastardson at 12:12 AM
2 Comments:
Just that you would wear a t-shirt like that says
you are a great dad.
Bill would look at me, smirk and wear it under
another shirt...thinkin' the kids would think that counts.
Doing embarressing things is the signature of the
great parent.
(I just finished doing the macarana (can't even spell it)with kindergarteners...I know)
Wear it (under another shirt! It does count)
love k from ME
9:21 AM
I don’t want you to get the wrong idea, and think that I am being bloggicized, but today’s lesson, (whenever it was written), was too FUNNY not to read in its entirety. But here’s the thing — you only have to be WORLD’S GREATEST DAD to those who can fairly evaluate you: namely, Luke and Leslie, who appear to have collectively voted you a prominent place on the island. (Well, technically you and Leslie populated the island with Luke, but that’s a quibbling detail).
So — wear the shirt proudly, because it’s an endorsement (like the Good Housekeeping seal of approval) not a challenge to all the poor schmucks whose families DON’T find them worthy of a shirt like that.
Big Sis
9:49 AM
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