W Takes a Stand Against Plummeting Poll Numbers

It’s getting tough to pander these days.

There was a better time in America, when women were chattel and black folks were openly bought and sold. If you wanted a bogey-man around which to rally your knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing base, you could just kick around an abolitionist or a suffragette and the villagers could be relied upon to revolt on cue.

“Society as we know it is imperiled!”

“What about our children?”

“The Bible! Exodus spells out in detail how one should treat one’s slaves – it’s in the Bible so it must be God’s will!”

“Torches! Get your torches here!”

Really, things were a lot simpler when the earth was flat, God created it in 6 days and heterosexual white Christian males trod the land like the undisputed giants they were.

But now, thanks to the damned “social progressives,” we are left with anarchy. Women are leaving their roasts to burn in the oven while they walk the halls of power, and not only can you not own black people anymore, they even get to own stuff themselves. Marry our white women and even be killed as equals in our armed forces.

Thank God we still have the gays to kick around. Oh sure, they’re making in-roads in popular culture (thanks a lot, “Will and Grace”), but we can still beat them to death and hang them up like scarecrows if the mood strikes us. Shit, it might even get us on the local news for a couple minutes in between paycheck-loan offers and erectile dysfunction ads.

How much can we still kick Fags around? There’s actually a group led by a Kansas preacher (who will receive no name recognition here) that goes around to the funerals of servicemen killed in Iraq and Afghanistan and protests, based on the fact that America “tolerates” homosexuality.

This is the demographic our kind and wise leader has staked out to pursue this week. In response to his dismal approval ratings, he is throwing them some red meat in the form of a proposed Constitutional Amendment to ban gay marriage.

Yup. He’s willing to do to our founding document — on the world stage — what he doesn’t want consenting adults to be permitted to do to each other in the privacy of their own homes.

What a small man. What a sad man. What an unfortunate man to have at the helm of our ship of state in the rough waters we are currently called upon to navigate. Circumstances require a Titan, and electoral dysfunction, fear and the Supreme Court have served us up a mental and moral Lilliputian.

At a time when 50% of marriages end in divorce, you won’t get any argument from me that the institution of marriage is in deep trouble. But raping the Constitution to breathe life into a lame duck’s political fortunes isn’t going to do a damn thing to address the problem. We’re going to save an already-floundering institution by cracking down on the people who aren’t even allowed to participate in it?

Oh please. That’s just crazy stupid.

I’m going to pray to the God I don’t really believe in that this reprehensible effort drowns in the same sea of flop sweat that has swallowed up the rest of the President’s domestic agenda this term. I think America is better than this, and I think we’re smarter than this, too.

Or am I just pandering?