Here To Help…® This Week: Dave Matthews

I have some career advice for Dave Matthews. You should only sing back-up on traditional-sounding tunes behind giants like Johnny Cash and Emmylou Harris, the only two times I’ve ever liked you.

In addition to your endless jam sessions which are bad enough, your white-boy scat makes me have to jump up and leave the room. Or hit the clicker in a panic. “Oh shit it’s Dave Matthews and he’s trying to scat again…!”

Dave, you’re a likeable enough fellow and you and I obviously share many of the same musical tastes, so I’ll meet you half-way: You can keep doing the 28-minute two-verse songs that you (and your fans, bless them) so love, but you must, must stop with the scat. Your band makes a serviceable Phish, but I’m sorry, you’re no Ella Fitzgerald and it’s embarrassing watching you try to be.

Emmylou and Johnny Cash, my career advice is I wouldn’t change a thing. You must be doing something right; you’ve both made me like Dave Matthews, even for a few minutes at a time.

Here’s an interesting PS: a quick search of the YouTube turned up an “acoustic Johnny Cash/Dave Matthews Band cover” band - I kid you not - and I’ll be damned if their version of “Long Black Veil” doesn’t kick maximum ass. (I keep wanting to learn how to play that one, but it must have an F in it or something.) Respect to Mike Masse and Jeff Hall for taking one thing that sucks and one thing that rules and turning it into gold.