Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Man, how much does NBC’s “Heroes” suck?

A LOT. Even “Veronica Mars’” Kristen Bell can’t save this show from itself. Tonight was their much ballyhooed “Four Months Ago” episode that was supposed to fill in all the gaps between the end of last season and the beginning of this season, and it was just boring. My super-powers of precognition tell me, “Don’t hold your breath for a season three.”

Instead, and since the Hollywood writers are on strike, I have an idea for a great spec script, “Bill & Ted III.”

It’s 15 years after the last movie, and the alternate future where Bill & Ted are worshipped as godheads is just starting. The music of their band, Wyld Stallions, is just beginning to bring the universe into harmony.

There are so many questions to be answered! Are they still with the babes they picked up in medieval times? What godawful catastrophe has befallen society that the brain-dead speed metal of Bill & Ted’s band has been elevated to a planetary-unifying force? Have the terrorists perfected a Dumb Bomb and detonated it live on “So You Think You Can Dance Better Than a Fifth Grader,” thereby lowering worldwide IQs to less than Bill & Ted’s oxygen-deprived aggregate brain power? How did they lure Clarence Clemons away from the E Street Band?

This series is begging for a final chapter. I’m sure Alex Winters could squeeze it into his schedule… and Keanu hasn’t been up to much lately, either, sappy Sandra Bullock romantic comedies notwithstanding. This movie needs to get made now while George Carlin is still alive to whore his credibility out for cash one last time while said credibility still retains any currency at all.

If anyone is interested, I’d be happy to collaborate. I tell ya, this script could write itself, and it’d be a damned sight better than anything “Heroes” has puked forth this season.

And don’t even get me started on “Journeyman,” which follows “Heroes” on NBC every Monday night. The whole core concept flies directly in the face of accepted time-travel lore, whose Rule #1 is: NEVER DO ANYTHING TO ALTER THE PAST! “Journeyman”’s premise? Every week this boring, uptight San Franciscan travels to his own past and changes some strangers’ personal history. WTF?? The writing on this show is almost as lazy as “Heroes,” just not as stupid on an episode-by-episode, line-by-line basis.

This season has narrowed itself down to “Chuck” on Mondays and “Life” on Wednesdays. And “Heroes” which I still watch, I don’t know why. And of course “Smallville” on Thursdays, which usually has at least one great scene/exchange per episode, which is enough to make me stick around. And the new Supergirl, which is enough to just make me plain sticky.

Most-improved show is “House.” They lost me last season with the introduction of a love interest for the eponymous, unloveable doctor; this season finds her gone, replaced by a cast of young doctors all vying for a couple coveted positions on House’s legendary diagnostic staff. The young cast is great, the writing smart and funny and most of the previous seasons’ dead weight cut away.

“Pushing Daisies” is already wearing out its welcome…

It’s all academic anyhow, if this writers’ strike drags on like the last one. “24” has already been postponed indefinitely, “Lost” will be forced to break up its season into chunks instead of running a consecutive, repeat-free 24 weeks like the producers had intended – all is shit on the scripted-TV horizon.

Which makes this a most excellent opportunity for a savvy studio to greenlight a direct-to-network-TV threequal to the immortal Bill & Ted series! [SFX: dual electric guitars riffing briefly.] I know one frustrated wannabe, non-union writer who’s ready to cross a picket line right fucking now to get working on this script. (Pssst — call me!)


Blogger Mark Dowdy said...

Oh fer crying out loud!

I need new reading material, goddamnit!

I've read the Times (NY and LA),all the British rags, Dailykos.com, Salon, various syndico-anarchist-collectivist sites, baseball news, several poems by writers living and dead, a Buddhist tract on being happy with the general suckiness of existence, and now I need some goddamn FANG!

Feed the Text Junky!

1:36 PM

Anonymous watch Pushing Daisies said...

Here you write that “Pushing Daisies” is already wearing out its welcome….
Can you tell me How you can say that...

9:37 PM


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