Hyatt San Jose – Low-Tech, Overpriced Shit Hole

Sometimes, I don’t like to waste time setting up my premise. This is one of them times.

I’ll skip over the first part of this week and stipulate that I’m still too freaked out by it to write it up. Failed a/c in 110-degree heat with infant Man Cub and creaky old dog imperiled; internet service down for two days in the middle of my internet-centric workweek; being shuttled from motel to motel by the apartment management; repeated screaming hissy fits followed by panicky queries to the family doctor regarding Daddy’s mental health situation … it’s all too horrible. At least the second hotel they put us in had a big room and free wi-fi. That was a Best Western in the one-horse-town down the road from our one-horse town.

[I must digress: The first night of our refugee period we stayed in a Motel 6. Here’s a snapshot of the experience: The “No Smoking” policy is presented on a “No Smoking” sticker pasted to the bottom of an ash tray, overturned on the night table. Previous occupants had taken notice of the loosy-goosey no smoking enforcement – with the perfume they used to try to cover the smoke stench, the room smelled like a spent cigarette floating in a bowl of Fruity Pebbles breakfast cereal.]

But we knew the weekend was coming when we would be staying at the fabulous Hyatt San Jose for the BlogHer 06 convention The Missus was attending. 700 lady bloggers descending on one venue? It would have to kick mucho ass, si? The tech situation, at least, would necessarily be nailed down tighter than George Bush’s asshole at a lesbian commitment ceremony. Plus, it’s the Hyatt. When I was a kid, “Hyatt” was synonymous with class and luxury.

Check this shit out: No wi-fi in the rooms. (Bear in mind that I am at the beginning of another work-week, which I conduct exclusively via the internet and email.) Even better, the DSL connection they offer in the rooms, while zippy, is set up so that only one computer can access it. Here’s what I mean: I plugged my laptop in, dialed up the internet and paid my $25.95 for three days’ access. Could The Missus then plug her laptop into the same DSL line that we’d already paid for and do her blogging thing? Nope. At this fabulous resort, only one individual per couple is allowed internet access per room.

WTF? It’s 2006, every traveler has a fucking laptop and expects internet access, but at the Hyatt San Jose, only one person per room is allowed internet access. And then they gouge you for it. Free wi-fi at the Best Western in Cowtown, USA; overpriced, single-user-only DSL at the Hyatt San Jose in the heart of Silicon Valley. What is wrong with this picture?

In all fairness, the ladies who threw this soiree must bear part of the blame. I’m sure they assumed, like I did, that the Hyatt San Jose would have their technical shit together, but it was their responsibility to make sure. Somebody needs to actually inspect the venue if they do another one of these things next year.

Then I order a Club Sandwich from room service. I pick it because we already can’t afford this trip and it’s the cheapest thing on the menu at $8.95. It shows up 40 minutes later, with a $3 “delivery charge,” a $1.79 “room service charge,” $1.13 tax and the room service guy with his hand out. My $8.95 sandwich ended up costing me $18.87. And I still would have shrugged off the odious nickel-and-diming – this is the Hyatt, after all – if the fucking thing hadn’t arrived ice-cold, draped with wilted, room-temperature greasy French fries. $20 for a snack-sized meal that’s barely edible?

And the disappointments just keep on coming!

In all fairness to the Hyatt San Jose – the people being paid pennies on the dollar are unfailingly courteous, polite, friendly and helpful. The front desk people were arrogant, down-talking pricks, but the maids, groundskeepers, busboys – everybody that the GOP wants to ship back to their countries of origin – were genuinely delightful. Reminds me of when I was delivering pizzas – the people in the poor neighborhoods always tipped, the fat cats in the zillion-dollar mansions usually couldn’t be bothered.

My point, if I have one, is this: There are a lot of places to stay in San Jose, and internet-savvy adults traveling with spouses/significant-others would be well-advised to steer clear of the Hyatt San Jose. Did I mention the room was about half the size of the Best Western, the bathroom fan doesn’t work and the soda machines are all out of Mountain Dew? (This is all in the first 12 hours.) If I was staying at a Holiday Inn (or a Motel 6) I would be disgusted; receiving this level of service from a Hyatt hotel is nothing short of an outrage.

Addendum: I write these posts in MSWord because I am a sloppy typist and spellcheck is my life, then I copy and paste them into my blog. As I went to post this, I find the DSL is down and I can’t get online. Huzzah! I was hoping I’d get to spend the morning on the phone with the Hyatt San Jose tech support people instead of getting my fucking work done. Thank you, once again, Hyatt San Jose.

Oh Jesus Christ – now it’s demanding I pay again, despite the fact that I paid for three days just last night. I really AM gonna be on the phone with tech support all day.

Hey Google, take note:

Hyatt San Jose – Low-Tech, Overpriced ShitHole

Hyatt San Jose – Low-Tech, Overpriced ShitHole

Hyatt San Jose – Low-Tech, Overpriced ShitHole

Hyatt San Jose – Low-Tech, Overpriced ShitHole

Hyatt San Jose – Low-Tech, Overpriced ShitHole

Hyatt San Jose – Low-Tech, Overpriced ShitHole

Hyatt San Jose – Low-Tech, Overpriced ShitHole

Hyatt San Jose – Low-Tech, Overpriced ShitHole


UPDATE — This just in!

Bonus caterpillar on page A12 of the complementary USA Today (which I had to fetch from the lobby as our room was somehow skipped over when our neighbors got theirs delivered).

Not a photo of a caterpillar, an actual caterpillar: