The annual R&RHOF rant

This year’s rant about the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame nominees practically wrote itself.

I have a friend whose super-power is knowing everything—everything—about music and sports from the latter half of the 20^th Century, down to the tiniest detail. (My super-power, if you’re interested, is punctuality.)

Anyhow, my friend--who is an actual writer, as in, he gets paid to do it--wrote this column, to which I replied, said reply comprising the bulk of this post. I’ve done just a little bit of editing, mostly to omit private jokes that wouldn’t make sense to someone who was not Daniel, The Last Boy Scout or me.

Speaking of the article, I eventually had to copy and paste it to a Word doc because the  rotating ads on the page change the text layout every five seconds and it was giving me brain seizures. I recommend you cut to the chase and copy and paste into a text program document before reading.

So to be clear, the format is a paragraph-by-paragraph reply to Daniel’s comments in his article. Let the lazy blogging begin!

Daniel: “The criteria used by voters for this operation is often vague, but seems to favor obscure artists with one hit or less.”

Me: In their [the RRHOF] defense, what I imagine their actual criteria is focused on is honoring the artists they’ve been influenced by, and the panel being made up—undoubtedly—of Rock Snobs, one-hit wonders like Laura Nyro, Tom Waits (zero hits, I think) and Leonard Cohen are eventual shoe-ins. Bands like Rush and KISS are not usually the kinds of acts that Rock Snobs champion, thus they continue to go begging.

And I’m not just mentioning KISS to suck up to TLBS, but among actual bands—as opposed to Ivy League Rock Snobs—there are a shitload that cite KISS as a major early influence. Hell, they were my first experience with non AM-radio music. They blew my mind and reset my musical magnetic north. They were the gateway band to Led Zepplin and Pink Floyd. (The Floyd are in, right?)

While cases can be made for eventual induction of the Beastie Boys, the Cure, Guns ‘N Roses and Red Hot Chili Peppers, as newer acts, they can wait. There’s an incredible backlog of performers that need to precede them.

While I agree with the second part of this statement, I have to take exception to your exception to Guns and Roses... and God help me, The Beastie Boys. I was a pop culture omnivore back in the ‘80s and early ‘90s, and these two acts took their respective genres to heights undreamed of previously. And the Beasties, although strictly speaking a hip-hop band, rocked as hard as any metal outfit the couple times I caught them live at festivals. So if your metric is inspiration to actual musicians of succeeding generations, GNR and the BB are slam-dunks.

Personally, I say fuck The Cure and RHCP. They were flashes in the pan with small, insular fan bases. Very few current acts ever mention either one of them as influences or childhood favorites. Shit, I’ve heard Sublime cited more than the RHCP. And the one time I saw RHCP live, they sucked. Ass.

Heart: Okay, I’ll say give them a go, unless Sinead O’Connor is also eligible. I’m sure they opened a lot of doors for babe rockers to follow (not that I can think off-hand of a single babe rocker still working.). But Sinead should be inducted in her first year of eligibility. She’s going to become my new Tom Waits/Leonard Cohen!

sidebar: Is Kristofferson in the Hall? He should be. Right next to Johnny Cash.

Laura Nyro: Never heard of her till Daniel hipped me to her. As I recall she had one hit of her own, and apparently wrote many of my favorite childhood tunes, as performed by bigger-name acts. She should definitely be in the Songwriters HOF. The RRHOF is a reach, though.

Faces: Mos def. Nuff said.

Donna Summer: No fucking way. Her one hit was a series of faked orgasms to the usual period disco beat. Not only is that not rock and roll, it’s not even music unless you happen to be having sex at the time. Rock and roll isn’t the soundtrack to sex, it’s the soundtrack to foreplay. In case I have not made myself clear, Donna Summer my ass!

Eric B. and Rakim? Never heard of them. Pass! Send them to the hip-hop HOF. Fuck, man. They call it “rock and roll” for a reason. It’s ROCK AND ROLL!! If disco or hip-hop ever start a Hall of Fame, you can bet your ass Elton John, Bruce Springsteen and U2 will never make the ballot. And with good reason. (Pssst: because they’re not hip-hop artists...)

If the RRHOF wants to honor all musicians of every genre, that would be an honorable endeavor too, but they should change their name to the Pop Music Hall of Fame. I actually think that would be a good idea, if it stopped all these non-rock acts from elbowing out deserving actual-rock bands.

I agree with Daniel on Joan Jett. One big, crunchy hit, then straight to the oldies circuit with Pat Benatar. Excellent framing on “…who opens the show?” It makes your argument iron-clad.

GNR: Come on. Culturally, to my generation, they were HUGE. They influenced tons of kids to head out to Hollywood and get strung out on drugs, some of them even became rock stars.

On The Spaghetti Incident – a 1993 collection of glam and punk covers – they also covered a Charles Manson composition, “Look at Your Game Girl,” which was hidden as an unadvertised bonus track. Though vocalist Axl Rose insists the media doesn’t understand his fascination with Manson, there’s fine line between being edgy and displaying poor taste.

For what it’s worth—and I agree with you that the inclusion was a ‘mis-step’ at best; I always stop the CD as soon as I recognize the first couple chords of the song—by that time, Axl had assumed almost Roger Watersian control of the band, was secretly buying up the rights to the band’s back catalogue for himself and had already inserted a track the band didn’t know about on their previous album.

Finally about GNR, if they induct anyone other than the late’80s/early ‘90s line-up, it’ll be a crock. Whatever Axl is doing now, it isn’t Guns and Roses, no matter how loudly he insists that it is.

Regarding your list of outrageous omissions:

Dick Dale: Agreed. Put him in, coach!

Moody Blues: Maybe, but they’re much more pop than rock. Their exclusion doesn’t offend me.

The Guess Who: Agreed! They rocked and, unlike the Moody Blues, their stuff still holds up great today. I recently bought a bunch of MB songs off iTunes recently that I remember liking, and was surprised at how unimpressive I found them now. On the other hand, I still stop and rock out every time I hear The Guess Who. The long version of “American Woman” alone should be enough to require their induction.

Of your laundry list, I would add Sinead for sure, and agree with Rush, Kiss, Deep Purple, Tommy James and The Shondells, of course the Raiders… and Three Dog Night. Stevie Ray Vaughn was unquestionably a virtuoso, but he was a Blues virtuoso. If they’re looking to induct a proper Rock Guitar virtuoso, Ynwgie Malmsteen would be a much more appropriate pick.

And Carole King as a non-performer? That’s just insulting. The board must be not just snobby, but deaf, too.

Anyhow, there you have it. I agree with you and everyone else that the Hall has long since become a joke, but as long as Jagger, Springsteen and Bono keep showing up at the ceremonies, it will remain a going concern.