Friday, March 12, 2010

I am a succulent morsel

But don’t take my word for it, just ask the neighbor’s dog. Or ours.

In what continues to be a week full of excitement and surprises, while returning from picking up our mail from the box down the street, The Boy and I ran into our neighbor the contractor. He has four dogs, big, powerful, playful ones, and he was loading them up into the truck, presumably to go look for something to kill.

They came bounding up to The Boy and me. Wasn’t worried about the golden retriever-looking one, even though it was heading straight for The Boy. The two black Labs, litter-mates, were roughhousing with each other and the husky brown dog with the shitty attitude was heading right for me. About the level of my gonads.

I put my hand down, palm open, fingers pointing down about six inches in front of my fly and the cocksucker jumped at me and took a nip.

Now to be fair, he could’ve taken as much of my hand as he wanted. A more squeamish person might have freaked out, but I recognized that it was the fuckin’-stupid-dog equivalent of a shot across the bow. His way of saying, “Back off, motherfucker.” The dog’s owner leapt forward and ordered the dog to retreat, then glanced at my hand and declared that it wasn’t a “bite,” she had only “put her teeth on my skin.” By which I assume he meant she had not drawn blood, which was in fact true. He apologized anyhow and assured me from now on he’d check to make sure the street was clear before unleashing his four big-ass dogs from the yard again.

And all the time I’m thinking, “Jesus, it’s a good thing for all of us the dog bit me and not The Boy.”

We retreat inside then with our mail. The Boy and I are still talking about the excitement, walking through the kitchen, when our own fuckin’-stupid-dog goes nuts and lunges at me, biting the exact same spot as the neighbor’s dog. Except our idiot dog draws blood and has left me with a red lump and four distinct points where his teeth broke my skin. His message was considerably heavier than “Back off, motherfucker,” and was received loud and clear.

I chased his ass into his cage and settled The Boy down. It’s one thing to see Dad take a nip from one of the neighbor’s pack, it’s another to have the family pet fly by you to attack the Old Man in what should be the safety of your own home.

All my life I’ve never been bitten by a dog and today and I get nailed by two. I’m sure there’s some clever ending in there about teaching an old dog new tricks or something, but I’m too weary of listening to me talk about myself to find it.

Can you believe how dry my skin is in the picture at top? When the liver spots start to appear, they’re going to look like the polkadots on a Twister mat. I can’t wait.


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