Learning to hate on Hillary

Last night, by any metric, Barack Obama crossed the finish line to the Democratic nomination. I’ve even just taught spellcheck how to spell his name. (While I was at it, I taught it “spellcheck,” too. It wanted to break it into two words, but that’s just not how I see ‘spellcheck.’)

Hold on, I mistyped. Barack is the nominee by any metric other than Hillary’s. Her metric appears to be, “That fucking guy – who is BLACK, people, BLACK! – can’t be the nominee while I still draw breath. THIS FUCKING NOMINATION IS MINE!! I deserve it. It’s owed to me! And if I can’t have it this year, I’ll distract the candidate with endless procedural maneuvers designed to be keep him so pre-occupied covering fire from his left flank that the GOP should have no problem taking him down in November. Don’t worry. I’ll still be here in 2012. And by then, after what I’ve done in this campaign, nobody will dare oppose me.”

Failing that, she ‘let it slip’ yesterday that she’d be willing to settle for VP, where she’ll go to bed every night at Blair House with a prayer on her lips (to whatever dark god she worships) that the three a.m. phone call she receives will be to inform her that President Obama has had some horrible tragedy befall him, and she will be required to step up to the top spot that upstart BLACK MAN so unfairly stole from her. Note to future President Obama: If VP Hillary tries to convince you to make a good-will, fence-mending tour of Appalachia, make sure you send special envoy Rev. Jeremiah Wright in your place.

I tell you, “Clintonian” didn’t used to be a curse word around this house, but it’s become one in the last couple months. What a graceless, pandering phony that awful woman is. Every time she breaks out one of her “Hey, I see you!” Shit-Eating Grins, I picture tiny shoe-making elves, yoked to rope and pulley devices inside her mouth, heaving with all their might to drag the corners of her mouth into that rictor-like deaths-head grin; another set of elves tasked to pull her eyes wide like she’s just been jettisoned into deep space and her head is .5 seconds away from exploding.

After 8 years of Bush in the White House, the last thing we need is another four of another President with a Messiah Complex.