The Educutioner (©)

“Off with his head!”

As you may have heard, the Iraqis have bungled yet another high-profile execution, this one of Saddam’s half-brother, who became literally his half brother when his head popped off during his farewell necktie party.

It brings to mind a question.

How competent do you have to be to end the life of another motherfucker?! Most of the time, not very. People completely untrained and unprepared pull it off beautifully every day, from Sad’r City to the North Pole to Detroit, Rock City. And people with training (or a special kind of outlook on things) can make it into an unholy artform.

But the hapless dolts running Iraq fuck it up every time. Unbelievable…

Still, I’m not one to lob criticisms without offering any solid advice with which to follow them up. Lately, the White House has gotten a bit peeved with people who do that sort of thing, and who can blame them? (They're getting a bit touchy on the whole subject of the war...)

No, I'm here to help.

I know somebody with a kick-ass execution record. I mean while this guy was governor of Texas, his state’s execution chambers purred like well-oiled machinery. A bad guy walked in, a gurney rolled out. Shit, even an idiot couldn’t screw that up.

Therefore, in addition to the duties he is screwing up, I propose that W take immediate personal command of Iraq’s capitol punishment organization. Until recently, most of its current members’ only experience with government-sanctioned death squads was being on the wrong end of them. Of course there’s gonna be a learning curve, and who better to hurdle that educational challenge than the self-proclaimed “Educator in Chief” himself? He’s an educutioner!

The answer is as American as apple pie; if you want the job done right the first time, get the right guy to do the job.

In this case, the Educutioner is the answer.

DISCLAIMER: As a proud American, I feel grateful for having been allowed the opportunity to contribute to the national conversation on this gory and exciting issue of executing Iraqis more humanely.