Fast-forwarding through the Golden Globes, 2017 edition

Little Jimmy O’Fallon hits the stage, his teleprompter isn’t loaded and he begins to panic. The actual comics in the room try to avoid eye contact with the roving cameras as O’Fallon drowns in flop sweat onstage; he hasn’t been this embarrassing on TV since he was tousling Donald Trump’s hair on “The Tonight Show.”

OJ Simpson is having a very big night, in spite of the fact I imagine he was rooting for his ongoing biography, “Orange Is The New Black” this year.

Like Vladimir Putin, Hugh Laurie is having some fun at the expense of our electoral system… and is being cut off by the orchestra. Where were they in November? “I’m sorry, sir, I think you’ve had too much to vote…”

I wish O’Fallon would stop doing impressions. Like sidewalk mimes and walking in on your parents masturbating, it just makes me uncomfortable.

“Lala Land” is picking up lots of gold. Any chance it’s a movie about the film industry? Hollywood loves handing out laurels to movies about itself.

Iggy Pop is up for a Golden Globe? Need to rewind!

I think I like the Globes because most of the people in the room have been drinking for hours by the time the show starts.

I also like Kirsten Thomas’s plunging, rectangular neckline. In-side boob!

Goldie Hawn is unrecognizable, and still playing the ditsy blonde. Draw your own conclusions.

Ryan Gosling came dressed to win. Holy Humphrey Bogart! Man, and he crushed his acceptance speech, too! Who is this guy??

Kirsten Wig and Steve Carrell killed their comedy bit, which could have died a horrible death in less adroit hands.

Ooh, Thor and Wonder Woman, side by side. What a movie that would be!! And then I’m pretty sure Loki won the next award. Hmmmm… patterns, threads connecting…

I wish the winners would stop thanking people and get straight away to their political opinions. Loki’s acceptance speech was pure gold.

How is Jake Gyllenhall still a Thing?

Still waiting for the first nominated show or movie I’ve actually seen to win an award. Am I still a Thing?

Fucking a, even the best TV Drama category, where I’ve seen about half the shows, biffs it. So far it’s a great night for OJ, Anglophiles and facial hair.

Man, the writing on this show is lame to the point where one sentence opens with extolling someone’s artistry and ends with it ending with something about being an artist. It’s laughably lazy writing. Actually, if this one speech was a drinking game, ‘artist’ would not be the safe-word.

This year’s Lifetime Award goes to a very hale and hearty-looking Meryl Streep. Wow, her voice is all fucked up. I hope it’s a movie thing and that I haven’t misjudged her apparent health. She just celebrated the awards show’s debt to hollow, vainglorious narcissism by devoting a good portion of her acceptance speech to president-elect Trump. And now she’s calling out the press! That’s two for two, Ms Streep. And she closes with a Carrie Fisher quote. She never disappoints.

Okay, there are officially too many beards this year. Captain Kirk looks silly. As does Batman. Oh please, stop.

Mel Gibson sighting! In a category with about ten other people, and I’ve never heard of the winner or his movie before tonight. Thanks, Hollywood Press!

Ooh! Nick Nolte! Looking wonderfully haggard and unkempt, just the way I like my Nick Nolte.

I guess I should see “Lala Land,” huh? I do like well-done musicals.

Bradley Pitt is in boring-ass mode, wasting his charm.

Surprise! “Lala Land” won one of the Best Picture Awards. My recording is gonna cut off before this thing is over. Shit.

Leo is boring too. Boo! Announcing another winner I’ve never heard of.

And that’s it! 5 more minutes of commercials then the end of the recording.

Except for Meryl going all I’m-With-Her, a pretty boring affair by Globes standards. Lose O’Fallon next year and let’s see some winners Joe and Jane Sixpacks like me have actually heard of.

Or at least, more side-boob.